I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
