Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
