I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
