Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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