Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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