After last night, I could never be a politician.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
