So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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