just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
