my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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