Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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