I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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