So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
