Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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