I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize