Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
