I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
