So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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