Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize