I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
