i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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