You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
