U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
