so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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