Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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