How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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