Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
