You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
