And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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