he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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