As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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