Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dick very happy bro
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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