Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
