Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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