I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
