I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize