I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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