dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
