I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So much Jack, so little girl.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
