Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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