Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
