I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
zippers are such a cool invention
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
