If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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