Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
