omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If I had your ass I would rule the world
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
