Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
