I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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