so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i think im in europe. pls send help
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
