"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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