Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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