It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
