he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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