Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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