he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
