You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize