He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
