god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
