i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
