Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
