My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
