where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
