dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
