Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
