so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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