You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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